Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.
~ Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
~ The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
~ The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
~ When you go to donate blood and they ask "what proof?"
~ You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
~ You have a "happy hour" at home
~ When you are sober, people ask you "what's wrong?"
~You spend all night making a board game called Alcohol Land
~ You drove home the but you can't remember how you got home or where you parked your car
~ Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
~ Your favourite drink is ethanol.
~ Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?! - I don't have a prinking droblem!
~ I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. *hic* Pash me another, tarbender.
~ You can spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
~ You instinctively know where the alcohol is in a store you've never been in before
~ Clubs raise their drink prices because you haven't attended in a while
~ You think beer and paracetamol make a good breakfast